| Date: | 2010-12-07 11:27 |
| Subject: | Oh hai guyz |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  contemplative |
Damn. Livejournal. It's been a while, aye? Last time I wrote to you, it was during worse times. That generally seems to be what I do to you, run to you when life is hitting me pretty hard. You're like the girl I complain to every time something horrible happens; sorry about that.
*changes user picture to my awesome statement*
That's better. So how's everyone doing? I'm doing okay I suppose. Life keeps handing me lemons, it's a shame I love them so much. I'm not even sure what I'm writing in here, it was just brought to my attention how old and decrepit this page is. So, here's a post to remind me and my Livejournal followers (all none of you) that I still exist! Yay!
I'll probably start writing in here a lot more, I forgot how enjoyable writing for yourself is.
--
Mike
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| Date: | 2008-08-07 15:23 |
| Subject: | Relapse |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  blank |
I was looking through my notes today. Ugh. I'm sorry for everyone that read those and I'm sorry for writing it. I'm sorry I wasted a year and four months of my life on a dead end. I'm sorry I let someone take a hold of me and not let me go. I'm sorry I let yet another person walk over me when they should have been walking next to me. I'm sorry I dove so deeply into depression that I just couldn't do anything anymore. I'm sorry that I can't make anyone happy.
I'm sorry I wasn't stronger.
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I'm in a video on Youtube! See if you can find me at 2:09.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6JZOzP_yxU
=)
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She knows.
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This is a private entry, wahoo! Anyway, I've been talking to this girl Amy for a month or two now and she's fun. We're opposites on many levels like music and pass times, but at least it would keep things interesting. I just wanted to post some fun things we've said yesterday that made me smile a lot. Here:
xoxox2787 (10:12:19 PM): i have a really good sad face
weird101 (10:12:22 PM): you really do
weird101 (10:12:23 PM): =(
xoxox2787 (10:12:59 PM): yea in person omg i've mastered it
weird101 (10:13:05 PM): bahaha i doubt it
xoxox2787 (10:13:32 PM): i get whatever i want with it
weird101 (10:13:46 PM): it would never work with me
weird101 (10:13:54 PM): i used to know someone that had a really great sad face
xoxox2787 (10:15:03 PM): lol it works on everyone
weird101 (10:15:52 PM): oh yeah?
weird101 (10:15:57 PM): well i already am taking you out to lunch
weird101 (10:15:59 PM): i spose you do
xoxox2787 (10:16:23 PM): i do!!
weird101 (10:16:39 PM): ok wise guy lets see if you keep that lunch
xoxox2787 (10:17:09 PM): lol what lunch?
weird101 (10:17:22 PM): i dont know
xoxox2787 (10:17:31 PM): ohhh lol u scared me for a min
weird101 (10:17:32 PM): i thought i said i would do it for a congratulatory lunch
weird101 (10:17:41 PM): for completing the semester?
xoxox2787 (10:17:54 PM): not to me it must have been another girl
weird101 (10:18:05 PM): damn i have so many
xoxox2787 (10:18:54 PM): seee im just one of many
weird101 (10:19:33 PM): but youre at the top of the list!
weird101 (10:19:36 PM): thats gotta count for something
xoxox2787 (10:20:03 PM): player
xoxox2787 (10:20:08 PM): i hate guys
weird101 (10:20:13 PM): oh please im just kidding
weird101 (10:20:17 PM): i would never
xoxox2787 (10:20:25 PM): lol u sure bout that
xoxox2787 (10:20:28 PM): lol jk
weird101 (10:20:37 PM): see im trying to be cute with you
weird101 (10:20:39 PM): youre being so difficult
xoxox2787 (10:21:30 PM): thats me
xoxox2787 (10:29:48 PM): im tired im goin to berd
xoxox2787 (10:29:50 PM): bed
weird101 (10:29:58 PM): you would
weird101 (10:30:02 PM): the night is young
xoxox2787 (10:30:07 PM): and im old
weird101 (10:30:11 PM): good point
weird101 (10:30:19 PM): goodnight amyface
xoxox2787 (10:30:32 PM): lol i still need a nickname for u
weird101 (10:30:51 PM): im a wily one
xoxox2787 (10:30:56 PM): yes i know this
weird101 (10:31:06 PM): just discuss it with sarah
weird101 (10:31:10 PM): im sure you two could make some funny stuff
xoxox2787 (10:31:26 PM): kk
xoxox2787 (10:31:58 PM): night night_________________ lol ill fill in the blank at some point gotta think about it
weird101 (10:32:03 PM): lol
weird101 (10:32:08 PM): i just put face at the end of yours
weird101 (10:32:11 PM): ah the engineer's brain
weird101 (10:32:14 PM): goodnight amy
xoxox2787 (10:32:48 PM): mikeyface
weird101 (10:32:55 PM): see there you go
weird101 (10:32:57 PM): thats adorable
xoxox2787 (10:32:57 PM): ok thats good enought
xoxox2787 (10:33:04 PM): lol like u
weird101 (10:33:11 PM): awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
weird101 (10:33:16 PM): coming through in the clutch champ
xoxox2787 (10:33:17 PM): awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
xoxox2787 (10:33:44 PM): kk nigh night mikeyface
:)
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I've been talking to this girl Amy for a month or two now and she's fun. We're opposites on many levels like music and pass times, but at least it would keep things interesting. I just wanted to post some fun things we've said yesterday that made me smile a lot. Here:
xoxox2787 (10:12:19 PM): i have a really good sad face
weird101 (10:12:22 PM): you really do
weird101 (10:12:23 PM): =(
xoxox2787 (10:12:59 PM): yea in person omg i've mastered it
weird101 (10:13:05 PM): bahaha i doubt it
xoxox2787 (10:13:32 PM): i get whatever i want with it
weird101 (10:13:46 PM): it would never work with me
weird101 (10:13:54 PM): i used to know someone that had a really great sad face
xoxox2787 (10:15:03 PM): lol it works on everyone
weird101 (10:15:52 PM): oh yeah?
weird101 (10:15:57 PM): well i already am taking you out to lunch
weird101 (10:15:59 PM): i spose you do
xoxox2787 (10:16:23 PM): i do!!
weird101 (10:16:39 PM): ok wise guy lets see if you keep that lunch
xoxox2787 (10:17:09 PM): lol what lunch?
weird101 (10:17:22 PM): i dont know
xoxox2787 (10:17:31 PM): ohhh lol u scared me for a min
weird101 (10:17:32 PM): i thought i said i would do it for a congratulatory lunch
weird101 (10:17:41 PM): for completing the semester?
xoxox2787 (10:17:54 PM): not to me it must have been another girl
weird101 (10:18:05 PM): damn i have so many
xoxox2787 (10:18:54 PM): seee im just one of many
weird101 (10:19:33 PM): but youre at the top of the list!
weird101 (10:19:36 PM): thats gotta count for something
xoxox2787 (10:20:03 PM): player
xoxox2787 (10:20:08 PM): i hate guys
weird101 (10:20:13 PM): oh please im just kidding
weird101 (10:20:17 PM): i would never
xoxox2787 (10:20:25 PM): lol u sure bout that
xoxox2787 (10:20:28 PM): lol jk
weird101 (10:20:37 PM): see im trying to be cute with you
weird101 (10:20:39 PM): youre being so difficult
xoxox2787 (10:21:30 PM): thats me
xoxox2787 (10:29:48 PM): im tired im goin to berd
xoxox2787 (10:29:50 PM): bed
weird101 (10:29:58 PM): you would
weird101 (10:30:02 PM): the night is young
xoxox2787 (10:30:07 PM): and im old
weird101 (10:30:11 PM): good point
weird101 (10:30:19 PM): goodnight amyface
xoxox2787 (10:30:32 PM): lol i still need a nickname for u
weird101 (10:30:51 PM): im a wily one
xoxox2787 (10:30:56 PM): yes i know this
weird101 (10:31:06 PM): just discuss it with sarah
weird101 (10:31:10 PM): im sure you two could make some funny stuff
xoxox2787 (10:31:26 PM): kk
xoxox2787 (10:31:58 PM): night night_________________ lol ill fill in the blank at some point gotta think about it
weird101 (10:32:03 PM): lol
weird101 (10:32:08 PM): i just put face at the end of yours
weird101 (10:32:11 PM): ah the engineer's brain
weird101 (10:32:14 PM): goodnight amy
xoxox2787 (10:32:48 PM): mikeyface
weird101 (10:32:55 PM): see there you go
weird101 (10:32:57 PM): thats adorable
xoxox2787 (10:32:57 PM): ok thats good enought
xoxox2787 (10:33:04 PM): lol like u
weird101 (10:33:11 PM): awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
weird101 (10:33:16 PM): coming through in the clutch champ
xoxox2787 (10:33:17 PM): awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
xoxox2787 (10:33:44 PM): kk nigh night mikeyface
:)
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"Those girls didn't know a good thing when they had it", she said to me, as she nuzzled closer. "They're all stupid for getting rid of you. Although I'm lucky they did, because you're all mine forever now." We smiled and kissed, as if the final page would never be reached in this story.
It's always a shame when forever doesn't last and the fairy-tale ends.
Anyway that's an away message I wrote and someone commented on how it sounds kind of like a romance novel. Perhaps I'll use that as the first sentence. It's true though, so I guess it'll be hard to write the beginning, like it's a flashback or something.
Who knows. It's crappy out and it's reflecting my mood.
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| Date: | 2008-04-25 09:31 |
| Subject: | Anathema |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  gloomy |
When I'm with my friends or even just my roommate, I'm fine. I have fun and the days go by like they always have; nothing creeps up in my mind, and if it does then it really doesn't do anything to me. It's times when I'm alone -- right now for instance, sitting here at 9:30 since 8:30 -- that I become depressed. I used to love being alone. In fact, I would constantly hope for it so I can just do my own thing and have people leave me alone. Not anymore. I need people more than they need me because they really keep me happy.
This is actually quite a change considering how self-absorbed I normally am, where it's really me and only me. Especially now with Spring finally coming out, all these memories are roaring back. Things that I really want to forget or at least lock away for a good year or so. Sitting here alone makes me think of so many things and how I want someone to be with me. I want to sit on my deck with someone with the sun setting and watch it go down, then see the fireworks as they go off in the sky above my house. I want to walk on the beach with them as the wind blows in our hair. I want to sit in my backyard in Brick with the fire-pit going while we lay down on my chair and watch TV and look at the stars. I've always thought I was a good boyfriend and someone that people can really connect with, but ever since this year I've been doubting myself so much.
I don't understand how someone that loved me as much as she did just changed her mind. I wish I knew I was making mistakes, just so I wouldn't have to say "I need to find a girlfriend" or "I'm so lonely" again. I'm not upset that it's over necessarily, but what it represented was something that I wanted so very badly. She didn't just represent someone that made me feel happy and someone that I had a lot of fun with; she represented my future. When I saw her, I didn't see another girlfriend or just someone I loved; I saw a future. I saw a house, kids, a new state...I saw everything. When she walked out the door I saw it all fall apart and I think that's why I got as bad as I did.
*sigh* I don't know. Maybe patience is a virtue. A virtue that I don't have nor want. I just want someone to hold me, frankly. I love being held.
Oh and by the way, listen to Nine Inch Nail's "Discipline". It's his new single and it's awesome. Very dance-y, but I really like the beat. It probably could have gone right on the album 'With Teeth' and no one would have noticed. This is good, however, because while Year Zero is a good album I thought 'With Teeth' was miles better. Anyway, listen to it. If you come up to my house anytime when I'm home alone, you will hear this song on repeat blasting and me dancing nakedly and singing it like a buffoon. But then again, maybe that's the point of coming to my house anyway, to see some crazy things and to have a good time. It always is a good time here.
--
Mike
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It's been a relative while since I've written in here; I don't really have much to say anymore.
What do you want from me? I don't want to pour my heart out anymore to anybody, nor do I want to go out and about looking for someone else. It sucks that I have so much to give but no one to give it to. It's getting so nice out, and I would kill to have someone just walk long the beach with me or watch the sunset.
I have so much stuff to do and think about and I hate it. I hate the feeling like I'm over-burdened or stressed because I feel so much pressure and I want to just push reset and have it all go away. Finals are coming up and I need to worry about classes next year as well as my newly-acquired on-campus housing. Of course women are on my mind all the time too, which I never thought I'd have to say again. But life's funny like that.
I made a Myspace music page for shits and giggles. I figure whatever I make musically that is actually kinda good, I'll just throw it up there. It's not to get discovered or make it big; it's just a closet for me to store them and so I can listen to my songs anywhere. I called the band name "Range" because, well, the music doesn't really have anything in common. If my third song (arguably my best one, "Sweetie") wasn't so huge, I would be able to put it up there and have everyone hear it, but alas. It's too big.
I really don't have anything else to say. Times are changing and the past still seems so succulent to me. In my mind, the future has such a dark and horrible tone to it. When you think about it in reality, however, it's actually not bad at all. I can meet someone cuter, funnier, happier and someone who I really can relate to and someone who can treat me right. I never remember that because I feel like I'm never going to get that, even though I just had it for over a year. I'll just have to try harder next time, I guess.
--
Mike
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| Date: | 2008-04-05 16:03 |
| Subject: | Spring is here |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | cold |
Spring always makes me sad when I'm alone. =(
Edit: Okay so, I decided to mess around with Garageband. Here's what I came up with:
http://rapidshare.com/files/105354990/Sweetie.aif.html
These ones are oldies but good anyway:
http://rapidshare.com/files/105369888/Randomscrewaround.mp3.html
http://rapidshare.com/files/105370082/Rawk.mp3.html
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So, I just found out that my uncle passed away. It was something relatively in the making, but there was a small amount of hope that he would get better. As everything that happens when a family member passes away, it's sad. It doesn't matter how much you dislike them, they're still family. The thing that bothers me most however, is my other uncle's wife passed away at the end of December. Now he has to come back up here to see his brother's funeral.
It's depressing on so many levels. My dad saw his sister and now his brother die, a few years back my other uncle died (which was ATROCIOUS to go to, especially given how life was going at that time)...it's like, this family is being tested. Normally I'm rarely religious, but this has to be something. It's like he's punishing us. I just want it to stop. I wish when I finally get happy again, I stay happy.
You just have to keep looking at the bright side of things, I guess. Even if it's just one thing.
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Fuck me man, just fuck me. Another day in paradise, I suppose. I wish I could be in there!
In any case, I'm getting off of Facebook. Anyone who reads my notes will understand when I don't respond to anything. I just don't want to be on there anymore; too much going on. Formal warning for everyone. Farewell.
EDIT: I'm not getting rid of Facebook per se, but I certainly won't be on it that often anymore. It's just time to move on.
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One touch, taste
The thrill so great
My flesh, breath
Forbidden fruit you waste
They say, I'm pure
Naive, and such a bore
But now you know
The truth told
I'm gonna give it away
Clip my wings this angels falling down
Yeah, he's sick, sick, sick and wrong
Let's go, let's feel, let's fuck around
Yeah, he's sick, sick, sick and wrong
Your guilt it never tires
It wants to bring down Babylon
Your want, desire
Your urge is way too strong
It's never safe
When we're together
A supernova when we collide
I start to shake
I start to tremble
I lose control when I come inside
Clip my wings this angels falling down
Yeah, he's sick, sick, sick and wrong
Let's go, let's feel, let's fuck around
Yeah, he's sick, sick, sick and wrong
Like the devil getting off I wanna feel it all the way
All the way
Let's go, let's feel, let's fuck around
Yeah, he's sick, sick, sick and wrong
Let go if you want it
If you need it
It'll be all right
All that's forbidden
Come on and give in
For tonight
Clip my wings this angels falling down
Yeah, he's sick, sick, sick and wrong
Let's go, let's feel, let's fuck around
Yeah, he's sick sick sick and wrong
Like the devil getting off I wanna feel it all the way
All the way
Let's go, let's feel, let's fuck around
Yeah he's sick, sick, sick and wrong
Let go
God, The Mayfield Four is a great band. I like this song specifically because it stats off with the singer being a goody-two shoes that everyone thinks is boring. The entire song is about how this "angel" is giving himself a fall from grace and doing things that would normally be bad to him. Given the context of this song, I would say sex. It reminds me of someone I know, but not with sex. Just an angel who used to be high and mighty and has since fallen into a realm of...well, forbidden fruit I guess you can say.
--
Mike
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So I was sitting in class today and out of no where, music hits me! I wish I knew guitar so I can get it out of my head, cause I just know that I'm going to forget parts of it or it's not going to be as good as the first time, but oh well. Here, I'll write what I have so far. Just keep in mind it's a work in progress! This'll be a chronicle of the evolution of the song. What? Anyway, I'll just try to copy over what I have in my notebook right onto here:
Intro:
Guitar starts off, for two OR four measures, then the band joins in for another two
First Verse:
I still remember the time when I fell in your way
It makes its way through my thoughts most every day
I feel so lucky and blessed that I can hold you close
Cause I know what we're feeling is true and that it's better than most
Bridge to Chorus:
But why does it feel so strange?
Why does it make me weak?
It's like I can feel no pain
And I'm soaring above the streets [Go to Chorus 1]
Chorus 1:
You make me feel so good
When you walk through my door
You make me feel so good
It leaves me hanging on for more
Second Verse:
We get closer to each other every second, minute, day we're together
You're beauty and your sweetness makes me want to love you forever
I see you walking towards me, your face has a smile so wide
Nothing can ever hurt us because we've got love on our side
Bridge to Chorus:
But why does it feel so strange?
Why does it make me weak?
It's like I can feel no pain
And I'm soaring above the streets [Go to Chorus 2]
Chorus 2:
You make me feel so good
When you walk through my door
You make me feel so good
It leaves me hanging on for more
You make me feel so fine
You make me feel so... [Go to Solo, possible alternate bridge to solo]
Chorus 3:
You make me feel so good
When you walk through my door
You make me feel so good
It leaves me hanging on for more
You make me feel so fine
So fine
You make me feel so fine
I'm always feeling like it keeps me alive
It keeps me alive
You keep me alive
By making me feel so fine
In any case, I wish I had a guitar to write music with it. Tonight, Cliff is coming up and hopefully we can iron it out and turn it into another song of our catalog (hitting six right now!) For some reason, I feel...happy! And I don't want it to go away =)
--
Mike
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So, my new band is using one of my poems as a song! I'm sure whoever I wrote it for will understand when she sees it:
I Really Wish
I really wish she would see
Just how much it's killing me
The fact that she wants moving on
But I want us to be
I know what I have done
Hide my feelings from which I run
I'm changing that, I swear to God
Just for her, for our fun
I really wish she would understand
That I'd go through Hell or any land
Just to get to her
To feel her, holding my hand
The wrongs I've made, the hurt I've given
They just mean that love can be risen
We both feel the same inside
But why, why can't it be?
I really wish she would love me
That's all I really wish
Some wish for fame, others for glory
All I wish is for her to hold me
I really wish she'd talk to me
I really wish we were one
That's all I really wish for
=)
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Three people in my head, two of them aren't me. They're leaving now, they're gone. They're going to be leaving forever.
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| Date: | 2008-03-18 20:31 |
| Subject: | No title |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  discontent |
God, please. You're hurting me now, and it's not nice.
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| Date: | 2008-03-15 23:26 |
| Subject: | Inclinations |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | blank |
Like seriously now? Really? Please just stop. Please, it's all I ask.
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"Hey Mike!
I just got back from Connecticut and found an actual EMAIL from you. WOW – can’t believe it. I’m honored! Yeah, it’s been a long time… you never come in the pharmacy to visit me. But then again, I’m never there to be visited. So we’re even. I won’t condemn or rebuke you anymore since I’m just as guilty. I heard that you actually did deliveries a few weeks ago – wish you’d do that more often, like on days when I’m working!
So… life is not enjoyable for you right now. I’m really sorry to hear about Aly. You’ve probably heard this from everyone (including your therapist) but it’s better that you parted ways now, rather than later – i.e. after you were engaged or married. I don’t say that to minimize the situation – I know you’ve been deeply hurt and I’m really sorry. And I’m sorry to hear about your unemployment. I just bought a new Dell laptop a few weeks ago (which I hate, by the way). Had I known they terminated your services, I would never have given them my business. And I’m sorry to hear about the loss/illness of some of your family members, and that you’re struggling in school. With everything else that’s going on, it’s hard to stay focused on your studies. Are you at least passing your classes? Are you still motivated by the tuition factor? You didn’t mention anything about your health issues. Are you still having problems or has it been resolved?
So you’re unemployed and single, with heavy burdens of schoolwork and bereavement. Not exactly what you would’ve chosen for your life. Everything was moving along just fine (except for your prostrate)… then suddenly, your world bottomed out from under you. Yup, I’ve been there. Broken heart and broken dreams. Empty life and empty bank account. I understand.
You must know that I cannot reply to your email without giving you a spiritual lesson and a finger pointing to God. You had to know that I will always bring Him into any equation, so stop rolling your eyes and listen After all, you played Jesus at your church’s Good Friday Mass, so the least you can do is hear about some of His promises for your current situation:
1. God will not give you any more than you can bear.
2. God’s grace and strength will carry you through any trial – IF you let Him.
3. God will not permit a trial to come upon us unless He has a plan to bring a blessing out of it. And His plans are far better than any plans we have for ourselves.
4. God allows suffering in our lives because there is work to be done inside of us that cannot be accomplished any other way. Sometimes, that’s what it takes to get our attention.
5. Since you played the part of Jesus, then you have a small clue as to the suffering He endured on the Cross. He did that because He loves us so much and He doesn’t want any of us to be separated from Him – in this life or the next. Jesus is well aware of everything that’s going on in your life right now, and He knows firsthand about pain, rejection, betrayal, injustice, and loss. If He was willing to go to Calvary for you, how much more is He willing to help you out in your current state of turmoil? Go ahead and ask Him for help. And don’t forget to thank Him for going to the Cross for you.
That’s all for now. I’ll stop preaching to you and start praying for you.
I have a lot of traveling coming up. I’ll be speaking in Atlanta next week, then home for Easter, then to Chicago, upstate New York, Canada, the Poconos, Florida, Pittsburgh, and Colorado – all in the next few months. No, I can’t bring back a cowboy hat from Colorado – it won’t fit in my luggage. I’m speaking in Australia in November and, God-willing, back to Israel next year. (It’s not very stable there right now, with those crazy Palestinians). Let my life be proof to you that God can bring tremendous blessings out of tragedies – IF we let Him – and that His plans for us are better than anything we could ever plan for ourselves. Oops – sorry, I said I wouldn’t preach to you anymore.
Well, I really do miss working those Friday nights with you and Lauren and… who else was there? Those were good times and happy memories. Wish we could do it again. I think the next Friday I’m working is in the summer. Would Rich let you come back for the summer? Have you asked him? Have you met our new pharmacist Steve? Did you know that Katherine left?
Keep me updated on your life, please. I really do care and I really will be praying about it. Hang in there, buddy!
Jennifer"
I love her, I really do. This was sent a few days ago, but it really makes me feel better every time I read it. I'm not exactly the most religious person, but when it comes down to brass tacks and bees knees, I do pray. I pray all the time. I pray to God non-stop and I hope he's hearing me. I really do.
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Two, going on three, going on four, going on five, going on six and going on seven.
Happy Spring fucking break, Mike!
EDIT: Ugh. My stomach. Anyway, this isn't the number of shots or anything to do with drinking; this is for my brain only =)
Also, I want to point out that whatever I write in here is really for me. I only allow other people to read it because I express myself much, much more in writing than in words. Whatever is written should never be taken seriously or with vigor. It's just me jotting down my thoughts, memories or all around observations. As with everything else in life, thoughts and memories and observations change. One day can be a very angry way to see things, the other day very sad.
For instance, I'm listening to Ruby Tuesday, which also happens to be on the Children of Men soundtrack. It's making me sad for obvious reasons. See? I'll listen to it tomorrow and get mad at it. Maybe the next day happy. Never ever take what's said in here personally or like it's how I feel all the time.
My brain is constantly in motion, and lots of things come out of it that way.
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